The Chosen One

THE CHOSEN ONE

This post is a hard one for me to write…

As we get older, menopause is not the only change we may go through. The relationship with our parents changes too. When my dad was alive, I never worried about my mom because I knew he was taking care of her and they were taking care of each other.  Then my dad got sick, really sick, and my mom had a really hard time taking care of him by herself. He had ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, which is a horrible disease that robs you of your life. As he got worse, he couldn’t walk, eat or take care of himself. I always remember my dad being a big man. He was strong, with bones of steel. But when he was sick, my mom couldn’t lift him. He became weak and unable to use his muscles, so that’s when my journey began of helping care for my parents.

My mom was the main caregiver, however, I was over at their house often to drive them to doctors appointments, speak with doctors, lift him up and down, give my mom breaks, and also just because I wanted to be with my dad. We were very close and I loved listening to him tell stories of him and my mom’s love affair. My dad was 21 and my mom was 17 when they got married. There love affair lasted 55 years. He adored my mom and I could only hope for a man like my father for me to love someday.  In my dad’s last days, I realized that my Mom was very dependent on my father. As strong and intelligent as she was and still is, my mom was lost without him. Oh, she tried to be strong for me and my siblings, but I knew she was falling apart inside.

This is about the time I took on the role of caregiver to her. I did not move in with her, she still lived in our childhood home, but I was the one she called for everything, like middle of the night hospital visits.  I still had kids at home, and a full time job, but I was the “chosen one” nonetheless.  You know, the one that lives closest, her daughter, the one who spends the most time with her, I was basically given the honorary title; the “chosen one”.  I didn’t ask for this title, but somehow it became mine.  I never thought about taking care of my mom because she was my mom. She took care of me. I thought she handled her life wonderfully. Why now is it hard for her? I never would have known that my mom was so dependent on my dad. But, as we age I’m learning it’s natural for people to get scared, unsure of themselves, lonely, depressed, especially if their spouses have passed on. My mom and dad were as close as a couple could be.  I suppose I have had a crash course in aging parents and I don’t think I did the best job. This too is part of our life journey, and we never know what’s going to be thrown at us.

It’s been nine years since my dad passed and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I’m sure my mom thinks about him even more. I would be lying if I said that my “chosen one” position has been simple. It hasn’t. I even have had resentment towards my siblings for allowing me to be in this position. Am I upset that I help my mom? Absolutely not, I’m upset that my siblings don’t share in the responsibility.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE MY MOTHER and my siblings; it’s just that I never imagined that my dad would leave us when and how he did, and that my mom would desire the attention she does. I’m not saying my siblings don’t help out my mom, they do, but they don’t totally understand the everyday stress of being the one “in charge”.  Being in charge can be stressful and sometimes I feel bitter.  I don’t like feeling this way, but I do.  I have an internal struggle going on.  On one hand, I don’t like the anxiety of being in charge of my mom, but on the other hand, I still have my mom and I feel so lucky and blessed to still have her and I would do anything for her.  I have friends that do not have their mothers anymore and miss them horribly. This is when I feel torn.

The thought of losing my mom upsets me greatly. This is my mom and she gave me life! I owe her the world.  My mom used to tell me that she didn’t want to be my kid’s babysitter; she wanted to be their grandmother.  I understood that.  In a way I feel the same way; I don’t want to be my mom’s caregiver, I want to be her daughter.  That being said, I am, and will continue to help my mom if and when she needs it. My hope though is that someday my siblings and I can share equally in the care of my mom.  All of us, together, taking turns with her.  I think that would make her incredibly happy and we all would feel like we were doing our part as her children.

This time in life is tough for me. I am at an age where I still worry about my children and husband but I also worry about my mom.  I call this the “in between”. This stage has been the hardest time for me to navigate, because I am going through so many other changes as well.  Like kids moving out, job changes/losses and of course, menopause.

My hope from this blog is that you start the conversation with family about how you are going to help your parents as they age.  Please don’t expect others to take care of it.  Does your family have a plan? Including a backup plan? Plan A? Plan B?  We didn’t.  I would suggest you discuss this with your family now, instead of later.  Get a plan in place. Heck, have a party! Discuss the inevitable. Definitely have all family members agree to the plan.  That way, everyone is on board and it eases the tension later on.  Plans can be changed as circumstances change, so don’t be afraid to readdress the plan if things do.

I’m going to take my mom to get her haircut now…

Be kind,

Diana